Objective Communication
Effective communication goes hand in hand with being a good listener. Instead of relying on power, manipulation, or punishment, objective communication is built on respect. It promotes information sharing in a way that fosters understanding and collaboration.
To illustrate the concept of objective communication, here are some examples provided below. These strategies not only enhance communication but also contribute to the improvement of listening skills.
Steps to Respond Empathetically
Listen with full attention, eye contact and body language.
Acknowledge feelings with a word.
Give their feelings a name. Reflect back their feelings.
Give them their wishes in fantasy.
Start with an empathetic word ("this situation is tough/sad…") and then ask gently, "what are you going to do?" or "What can you do?"
Deliver empathy and state the limit.
The Opposites of Cooperation
Non-productive to cooperation: blaming and accusing, name calling, threats, commands, lectures and moralizing, warnings, playing the martyr, comparing, sarcasm, prophesying, questions, bribing/cajoling.
Engages cooperation: describe the problem, give information, give choices, say it with a word, talk about feelings, write a note, change if/then to when/then, use 'after' (we will...), sing, use modified threats.
Alternatives to Punishment
Point out ways to be helpful.
Express strong disapproval.
State expectations.
Show the individual how to make amends.
Offer a choice.
Describe consequences.
Problem Solving Steps
Listen to the individuals feelings and needs.
Summarize their point of view.
Express their feelings and needs.
Invite them to brainstorm to find a solution.
Write down all the ideas without evaluating.
Decide together which ideas like/don't like and how to plan the course of action.
Ways to Encourage Autonomy
Give choices.
Show respect for struggle.
Encourage individuals to think of their own answers.
Reflect and reframe rather than asking too many questions.
Show respect for the individual's eventual readiness.
Let them dream.
Avoid talking about the individual when they can overhear.
Effectively Praise
Evaluative (ie: good girl, nice work, terrific) is empty, gives a fleeting sense of well-being.
Descriptive paints a picture of capabilities, talents, character, and accomplishments, consists of two skills: describe what you see, and describe what you feel (ie: I like the way you used the black border around the pink. It really makes the pink color pop out).
Sum it up in a word (ie: “that's called being mature”).
Point out what is right and what still needs to be done
Reinforce effective praise by asking yourself: what quality do I like best about my ____? What has _____done recently that I can praise ______ for? How can I show my appreciation by using the skills of descriptive praise?
Free Negativity
Look for opportunities to give an individual a new picture of him/herself.
Put an individual in a situation where he/she may see themselves differently.
Let the individual overhear you say something positive about him/her.
Model the behavior you would like to see.
Remind the individual of their past accomplishments.
If an individual insists on behaving according to an old label, state your expectations.
Self-Check
Was there a role you were placed as a child?
How did it affect you?
Is there a negative role in which you are inadvertently placing ____?
How does that impact on your time together?
Is there a more positive label you can use to describe their behavior?
Disruptive vs Productive Descriptives
defiant | courageous, bold
hyper | high energy
quiet | thoughtful, inner-directed
clingy | connected, bonded
tattletale | justice seeker
stubborn | focused, committed, determined
fussy about details | discriminating
talks back | courageous, honest
finicky eater | future gourmet
dawdles | creative, observant
slow poke | deliberate
nosey | high curiosity
naughty | likes attention, persistent
mouthy | expressive, assertive
spoiled | loved
mean | power seeker
crabby | speaks out needs
sneaky | inventive, creative
compulsive | efficient
silly | fun loving
Questions for further exploration.
What is one of the above categories do you prioritize? How do you know?
What is one example within that category you are willing and ready to practice or experiment with?
How might you structure your day to make that happen? Is there a routine situation to “attach” the practice to? For example, dinner-time conversation?