Language
Feeling heard brings comfort while the lack of it can cause stress. Active listening is a learned skill that improves our health; our responses during conversations reflect our health state. Cultivating active responses enhances awareness of our listening habits, building trust, honor, and respect in relationships. Graham Bodie emphasizes that true good listeners go beyond fixing problems and brief exchanges.
Listening responses. Pick one to practice and experiment with for a couple of weeks. Then move on to another.
RESTATING Frequently repeating what you believed to hear through paraphrasing. “To be sure I’m understanding…”
SUMMARIZING Identifying the key points to ensure correct understanding. “So it sounds like…”
MINIMAL ENCOURAGERS Verbal prompts to reassure you’re following along. “Oh?” “I understand.”
REFLECTING A response that identifies the feelings shared. “It sounds frightful for you…”
GIVING FEEDBACK Sharing your first impression of a matter, including observations and experiences, confirmed by listening to their response.
EMOTION LABELING Objectify what’s heard by identifying their feelings. “The tone of your voice shows the amount of anger you have.”
PROBING Questions may draw deeper insight. “Why do you believe there are…”
VALIDATION A genuine response that validates the information shared. “I’m encouraged that you…”
EFFECTIVE PAUSE This emphasizes relevant points with silence to affirm the importance of what was said.
SILENCE Quiet moments slow the pace of conversation, diffuses pointless chatter. It provides time to think between talking.
“I” MESSAGES ‘I’ statements center conversation on the problem, addressing your feelings verses them. “What you have to say is important to me but I need to…”
REDIRECTING Direct attention to a new topic when a conversation becomes inappropriate.
CONSEQUENCES Draw light on potential issues of inaction with a fact shared but posed as a possible consequence. “Where did that end in your last attempt?”
Below is a list of communication blockers. Each are one way to avoid emotional connection.
Asking ‘Why’
Quick verbal reassurance
Advising
Digging for information
Patronizing
Preaching
Interrupting
Actions carry more weight than words, as physical presence often holds greater effectiveness than mere verbal communication. Nonverbal cues like gestures and facial expressions play a significant role in engaging conversations. Following is a self-observation check-in to practice before a conversation.
Suitable environment for content of conversation
Suitable furnishings for comfort and length of time of conversation
Eye contact free from distraction
In proximity to clearly hear what's spoken
Slight smile
Shoulders and upper body facing the primary speaker
Arms open in a receiving posture
Hips and toes facing the primary speaker
Effective dialogue is essential, but when conversations become routinely challenging or controlling, seeking professional help is crucial due to their negative impact on health, including chronic stress and anxiety symptoms. Employing tactics like focused breathing can alleviate stress. The transformative power of a minute of focused breathing, demonstrated by Leigh Stringer's climbing experience, teaches us the value of taking a breather during tough times. Following is a self-observation check-in to practice when communicating with an aggressive person.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Rapid heart rate?
Holding your breath?
Sweating?
Visceral response...nausea or headache?
Are thoughts positive or negative about you?
Are thoughts positive or negative about who you're listening to?
Does this person have power over you?
Is this person controlling you?
Are you physically positioned to be engaged in the conversation?
Do you desire to be engaged in the conversation?